Bigger Is Better...

Chapter 1 

Golden beams walked alongside her while the early morning bustle rushed by. She drew her arms closer to her sides to prevent being in the way of anyone. The smell of eggs and toast wafted through the light breeze, guiding her forward. Looking up, she noticed an older woman sitting on her balcony, looking like a songbird watching the bugs below her tree. A delicate smile captured the scene. The picture was tranquil, but her legs moved her forward so as not to be in the way. People emerged from all directions. Some in suits who looked powerful and important, others with kids frolicking beside them, and others looking blissful as if they were the main characters in a sitcom. She, however, felt small and uncomfortable. She felt in the way, like her existence was taking up space. Power wasn’t a word that was used to describe her like those others. She wasn’t bashful or timid…well, maybe on occasion, but most of the time her words were followed by an apology or said swiftly like a rocket. Some were born for that flashy life, but she, however, felt uncomfortable in the clothes that ordained her. As she walked between buildings, the sun that was accompanying her waved goodbye while the shadows engulfed her. Horns honked, people laughed, the smell of coffee infused the air, and one-sided conversations were being overheard from cell phones left and right. She loved it, observing from the camouflage she wanted to hide behind.

Chapter 2 

The line in the coffee shop was longer than she had expected, but she stepped forward every few seconds or so. To go to the other side of the shop, the line needed to be parted like the Red Sea. She happened to find herself at that prime location. With every pass of someone, she forced herself to become smaller and smaller, taking up less space in her muted tones. To not inconvenience anyone.

“Excuse me.” A woman in a bright red shirt with colorful glasses said as she looked expectantly at the table with all the lids casually waiting for their time to shine. 

“Oh, sorry!” She said in a quiet tone, once again shuffling out of the way.

“Oh, hunny, you're fine.” She drew out the word “fine” and waved her hand through the air as she made direct eye contact with her. There was something so loud and bright about her personality. She wasn’t rude or entitled; she simply looked like she enjoyed taking up space in the world. The woman looked like she lived in color and found excitement in being unapologetically herself. A few steps later, she was standing before the register. Her mind raced as the feeling that she was taking too long pulled at her thoughts. She wanted to look over the menus and see if something other than her usual caught her eye, but the panic was breathing down her neck. 

“I’m…” She fidgeted with her keys in her hands as she looked from the person behind the counter, to the menu, and back to the face looking back at her. She spoke quickly. “Could I please have a la…” Her voice stopped mid-sentence.

Chapter 3

“Sorry, I…um.” Eyes closed while she took a breath to calm her beating heart, while her mind screamed at her for being an inconvenience. “Hhh, ok, sorry,” she laughed a little uncomfortably, but determined not to be small at that moment. “Can I please get an oat milk strawberry matcha, unsweetened, please?” Finally, she could hear the world beyond her beating heart in her ears. 

“The barista smiled at her. “Sure, hot or iced, and what size were you thinking?”

“Oh, right, ha, a 12oz iced please.” She tapped her card and left a tip for the kind girl behind the counter. Another way she made herself small was to not make a sound, so she would walk toe-ball-heal to not create heavy steps, but as she delicately walked away looking around to see where she could stand out of the way, her eye caught site of the same red top woman sitting in the corner of the shop alone laughing at her book while sipping her coffee. Unaware of who was watching her, and not caring who saw her laughing to herself. It was beautiful. Serene. Her feet began to take up space and walk with purpose. She relaxed her shoulders and lifted her head, adjusting her posture. People bustled around her. Swooping in to snag open tables, shuffling up in the line, sipping coffee, and typing on computers. As she watched, her eyes were drawn to those who looked like they weren’t afraid to take up space, to be big. And that was when it clicked in her mind that being unapologetically yourself and not trying to make yourself small, that bigger was better, life seemed to open up. The woman reading her book had a glow that encased her as if under a spot-light. Dust sparkled around her like glitter. The red of her top brushed the blush onto the lady's cheeks. Impeccable, she had been staring at that woman for at least a full minute, and nothing, not a glance. If that had been her, she would have been popping her head up at anyone who moved in front of her like a bobblehead. 

“Iced strawberry oat matcha!” A young guy at the counter called. Shaking her tensed hands out, she let out a rush of air and began to walk with intention toward the counter. 

“Thank you.” Her voice came out slowly, making eye contact with the guy. She then walked with purpose to a freshly opened table. Claiming the chair, she sat and sipped as people rushed by, saying to herself, “Bigger is better.”

Chapter 4

To feel like you are taking up space is wrapping inside the same package that confidence finds itself in, yet it is something that can stand entirely alone. It is feeling like you don’t belong, as if your presence is disrupting the way the day ticks forward. It is trying to make yourself so small that you don’t avoid making it all the way to being inconvenient. There are a lot of people out there, and everyone thinks that they are the main character. Which, to their own story, they are. But, someone who feels like this feels as though their camera is wasting it’s time filming them, that they don’t want the world around them to know that they are being filmed. It’s falling into the trap of lies from the enemy, because God made us in his image, which He Himself said was good (Genesis 1:31). God made us take up space on this earth that he created. Not to be obnoxious, rude, self-entitled, or unaware of others around us, but to live life like the children of God we are. As an artist, I want people to see my art, for it to be told it’s beautiful and hung so it can shine. We are His art. He wants us to live life fully and to be confident in who He made us to be. To be big and bold. To know our worth. And shine Him throughout our days. 

This is something I don’t think anyone admits often or might even be aware that they feel, but it can be exhausting. Constantly worrying, trying to crumple yourself out of the way, or feeling like the world is waiting for you. But, through Christ, we can know that we were created to be disciples for Him, and that means that through Him, we are to take up the space we were given. I hope you felt seen and encouraged, or simply had fun reading the story! Enjoy the weekend, and well done for making it through the week! Don’t forget to follow on Instagram, share this with someone, subscribe, and let me know what you thought or if you have any ideas you would want to read about! Thanks for reading, Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie