All Around Thankful...

Chapter 1

She passed a girl walking back to an office as she walked out of her therapist's office. They traded smiles, although she looked rushed and eager not to be late. Nothing like feeling anxious before stepping into therapy… She wished her well. Then she continued to the front desk, paid, made her next appointment, then said goodbye and exited the building. This was one of those sessions that took all the energy; wilting her like a flower under the heat of the day. Her mind reeled. It spoke to her as if it were its own being. The audacity, truly. But she needed to find her way home, so she yelled at her thoughts to go away. Which then made them angry and stepped her back into the room that she had just walked away from. The past hour flooded her like an old movie. She watched in her mind as the words left her mouth to her therapist. And she self-consciously wrapped her arms around her stomach. With each step, her jeans brush together at the top of her thighs. She shook her head and zoomed back into the present. Unfolding her arms, she adjusted her shirt and grew in her posture, determined not to let the outside see the dent in her thoughts. But Thanksgiving was three days away, and her workouts hadn’t compensated for such an indulgent holiday. The anxiety formed in her hands as she embedded her ring finger-nail into her thumb down at her side. To ease her hand, she ran her fingers through her ponytail that rested at the middle of her head and adjusted her bag, which was slowly losing faith on her shoulder as it began to slip off. Her stomach begged for attention, but there were only roughly two hours until she would make dinner, leaving her to ignore the question. 

Chapter 2

Her phone woke her up from a nap. “Hello.” Her voice came out groggy, and her brain was working on rebooting. 

“Hey, hunny.” Her aunt's voice rang through the phone.  “Were you sleeping?” Her tone switched to concern.

“Mhm, but what’s up?” She sat and rubbed her eye. 

“Oh, I’m sorry to wake you! Butttt… I was thinking about Thanksgiving and wanted to make sure that you still wanted me to make you a second batch of sweet potatoes to take home? Since they are your favorite and I am an excellent chef and whatnot.” The excitement was palpable through the phone. 

“Oh… um, I think you could just make the one batch this year.” She tried to sound level as her hand subconsciously slid up and down her arm, checking its size.

“Are you sure? I always make you your own, so you don’t worry about everyone eating it all.” Her aunt was on to her. Panic. She needed to remain calm and express that she simply was fine with whatever was left.  

“Yeah, all good! I’ll make it easy for you this year.” Oh no, she may have added too much enthusiasm. 

“Hm, what’s going on, hunny?” Of course, she could see right through her. 

“Nothing.” She could feel her wall beginning to form as the words came out guarded. The evening glow, cast swords of light to paint rainbows onto her wall as she fiddled with the hem of her sweatshirt. Sock-coated toes tucked under her crossed legs. 

“I know that ‘nothing’, I have said that ‘nothing’. But, if you don’t want to talk, I won’t force you, but I am here.”

“I’m just having a hard time right now.” Voice low, she confessed.

Chapter 3

“Oh, hunny! I know that hearing it from me is only background noise to what your brain is yelling at you, but you are such a strong and beautiful lady. And pulling back on what your body was designed to do will only feed the voices in your head. I struggle still. But, there is a way that you can enjoy life while taking care of your body.” Warm honey poured from the phone in her hand at her aunt's voice. Hot tears exploded on her lap from a silent sob while her mind screamed. With her free arm wrapped around her body, she tore at the skin on her stomach that layered from the C of her posture. The feeling of wanting to run from her body grew, but the sadness of dissatisfaction drew her into wanting to be as small as she possibly could. 

The next two days were busy as time mocked her. Meals were small, and workouts were nonexistent. But her thoughts…they were exercising regularly. As she cut back on meals, her aunt's words rang like a bell. Thanksgiving was the next day, and her stress levels exploded like fireworks. She thought of a strategy for how tomorrow would go down. The obvious answer was to eat less, but what if her mom noticed she didn’t take a roll, because she would. Simple… she would pretend to eat it, stash it under the table, and slip into the kitchen where she would dispose of it under some trash so no one would see. Easy. But, as she walked into her parents' front door and sat down on the couch to watch the parade, her mind registered what her aunt was saying, and all the worries of her body and of the food seemed not to matter as she looked around the room. This was a holiday to be thankful. Which she was, despite her thoughts. She was thankful for the body that God created for her. She was thankful for time and how, although annoying, our bodies fluctuate when we are at our peak, they also fluctuate when we are not. Beyond that, workouts, yes, help us to look a certain way, but they are also there to help us mentally and for our longevity. And God designed our bodies to need food. Food is a blessing, and how lucky are we that we are able to not only have it, but celebrate a holiday with it? She was thankful for her life and the people who loved her no matter what. However, she was not thankful for the lies that knitted their way into her personality. Everyone laughed at jokes and sang along to the songs performed on the floats. Then, they all sat down to eat. She looked at her aunt over her plate of food, excited. Her aunt winked, then shoveled an entire serving of potatoes into her mouth. 

Chapter 4

Food can often be a cause of self-told lies, but around the holiday season… those lies sound a heck of a lot louder. It can be easy to allow ourselves to fall into the holes that they dig. But, limiting ourselves doesn’t do what we hope it will. In fact, it will only harm ourselves. Allowing ourselves the freedom to eat when we are hungry and to enjoy those moments without feeling guilty or like we need to work out to compensate for how much we ate will free our minds of so much calculation and stress. Let me just say, it is important to be mindful and take care of the body God gave us, but it is also important to enjoy the life that He blessed us with. Walk confidently knowing that God doesn’t create anything but perfection. And how He so intricately designed how we function and what we need. 

A reminder that our insecurities can eat away at us. But if we walk with our head high, living life one day at a time, confident in the Lord. The gloom that we bring over ourselves starts to clear up. And in an age where we are blasted with so much information and photos, it can be hard to block out the noise. But God tells us to lean on Him. I hope that this was freeing for someone and that you all have such an amazing Thanksgiving!!! I’m thankful for all of you supporting and reading The Allie-Way! Don't forget to follow on Instagram, leave a comment, subscribe, and share this with someone! Thanks for reading, Allie-Cats.

•  Dru Allie