Unwelcomed Voices...

Chapter 1

She stood inside as a voice crawled up her spine. It was a voice that she couldn’t seem to shake. It appeared with an unpredictable schedule, typically when large crowds were involved, and today was one of those days. She had an event that had been staring her in the face for weeks, taunting her. But today was the day. After hours of pep talks and outfit changes, she grabbed her keys and headed for the door. The warmth cascaded onto her face as she walked from her house to her car, trying her best to ignore said voice. Her neighbors' kids were out playing in the yard. She smiled and waved at them, unbothered that she was procrastinating. The car door opened, and she slid in. Her hands found the steering wheel with a grip she wasn’t prepared for. The voice spoke louder, and her heart rate quickened. Her breathing became shallow, and suddenly something was pressing into her chest as the death grip on the searing wheel turned into uncontrollable shaking. She felt hollowed out. She recognized this. Her thoughts were spinning. She needed to gain control, but her hyperventilation was gaining speed. She removed her shaking hands from the wheel, working on opening and closing them until they no longer cried numb. That was the distraction she needed to allow a deep breath to melt into her lungs. She held it, but only for a moment before it fell before her in a wobble of shallow air. The tightness remained in her stomach as she continued to slow down her breathing. Her brain was copying and pasting the voice's words over and over again. She needed to control this. She could control this. With a final inhale, she was able to regain ownership of her mind. Her throat still felt as though an imaginary hand was wrapped around it, and like an ice scream scoop had hollowed her out. But she was accustomed to that feeling, so she turned on her car. To help her body remain in its steady state, the sound of her worship playlist permeated through the car, allowing Jesus to seep into and cover her ears from the sound of the persistent, nagging voice. 

Chapter 2

She hated going to functions. They were her worst nightmare. What do you mean she needed to leave her house, show up alone, not know the dress code, not know where she was supposed to park, not know where she was supposed to go, not know where the door would be, not know who she was going to talk to, and she already knew she would be driving home with an encyclopedia length list of things she easily should have kept to herself. Her hands felt hot…or maybe cold, as if all the blood in them ran for the hills. She knew for certain that they were trembling. The drive felt shorter than she would have liked. Although the shorter all this was, the sooner she would be done. The engine silenced the world as her thoughts continued to scream. Dread, panic, and a hint that she would be fine were her companions for the event. So who said she was alone? The sun was lower now, causing a golden glow to melt like honey onto the hood of her car as she looked for others whom she could follow in. She hoped she remembered her deodorant in her purse. Another person began walking toward the building she was apparently supposed to be in. Her legs were pushed out of the car, and the echo of the car locking behind her reverberated in her already loud mind. The voice was back, but if she acted confident on the outside, it would eventually seep to the inside… right? Wrong! But it couldn’t hurt. She caught up with the woman walking to the building. 

“Hey!” She meekly shouted at the woman. 

It caught the woman off guard as she frantically exited out of the deep thought she clearly was in to find this unfamiliar voice that was suddenly yelling at her. The woman clocked her after a few swivels of her head. “Oh, um… hi?” 

“Are you going to the event?” She finally caught up to the woman.

“Yes?” The woman was still evidently confused as to why she was imprinting on her. But, she needed a comfort person, so they would be friends, gosh dang it, because there was safety in numbers. 

“Perfect, so am I! Do you know which one is the door?” They both approached three different doors. After they made their introductions, the plan was set to enter the door on the right. And if that was wrong, well then, as she said, they’d be doing it together. Still shaking, she embedded her hands into the pockets of her jacket. She was sure that they were now permanently going to be doing that. 

Chapter 3

“You got this,” her brain told herself. Her mouth felt dry. But, she’d get through this. One foot in front of the other.

“What was that?” The woman she had practically been at the heels of asked. Shoot, did she say that out loud?

“What?” Her mind was ringing. 

“Oh, I thought you said something. I think this is it.” The woman walked up to the double doors. This was it, this was the moment. They walked in together. She was sure the woman could hear her heart racing or the voice now yelling at her to hide. But, she had this. She was nice, a good conversationalist, and she had already discovered where the nearest bathroom was for when she needed a moment to collect herself. She lifted her head, adjusted her shoulders, and elevated her eyebrows ever so slightly. The room expanded as soon as the double doors were behind her, and people crowded close by. She tried to stay close to her new friend, but as it turned out, she was a well-known person. She lingered behind the woman, slowly being introduced to people, but five minutes in, she was hiding in a bathroom stall trying to regain her slow breathing. “You got this, it will be fine.” She walked out of the stall only to come face-to-face with another woman. 

“Oh gosh! Sorry!” She gasped, trying to engage her emergency brakes. The lady looked at her with a surprised expression infixed on her face. 

“I didn’t know anyone was in here.” She wished she had whispered her pep talk, but alas… maybe the lady didn’t hear her. But she was wrong. However, it was because of that pep talk that started a conversation between the two, bonding over the trepidations a social event can cause. They realized that they should probably leave the safety of the bathroom after the third person curiously walked by without the intention of hiding out. They burst back out into the zoo of bodies and made their way to the drink table, desperate to hold a seltzer, giving their hands purpose. The event lasted only a few hours, but she drove home with a new friend added to her contacts and a coffee hangout scheduled in her calendar. Not the turn of events she had anticipated, but one that she was grateful for. With the knot finally untying in her stomach and her hands at rest, she drove home feeling accomplished. 

Chester 4 

Social anxiety is such a real thing. Let me tell you. I am the queen of fidgeting. From playing with my rings, bouncing my foot, clutching my water bottle for dear life, to extreme oversharing. I’ve had anxiety attacks in dressing rooms before. And it’s not that people are scary, it’s that the environment of the unknown makes us uncomfortable. And unlike most of my story posts, this one didn’t end with the main character finding the resolve or having a full character growth in the span of 3 chapters. I wanted this one to emulate that, although we might not have a grand revelation in situations, beauty and grace can grow from different circumstances. Did her social anxiety evaporate? No. But there is a moment and feeling that transpires when we push ourselves outside our comfort zone. It is a feeling of accomplishment and knowing that God has His hand on us throughout all we do. Maybe we make a new friend, or maybe we don’t. But we don’t let the voices of anxiety and fear dictate what we do in life. And when we shut down those lies, it’s a pretty award-winning feeling. 

A conversation I had not too long ago was about how the emotions of anxiety and enjoyment are interpreted as the same feeling until it arrives at the prefrontal cortex, where it is formed into the emotion our body is truly feeling. That being said, it can be all about reframing our emotions to find the excitement in an otherwise anxiety-inducing situation. I am speaking to the choir here. Again, I experience major social anxiety, but I know that, like everything, being social is something that needs to be practiced as well as learning how to talk ourselves out of anxiety attacks. What grounds you? How are you breathing? What do you see? Trust that God has you. I hope this was either helpful or encouraging. Have an amazing rest of your week, and don’t forget to follow on Instagram, subscribe, let me know what you thought, and share this with someone. Thanks for reading, Allie-Cats! 

• Dru Allie