Not If Not When...

Chapter 1 

Mirrors…they have this way about them. The way they can seduce you into thinking one thought only for you to look into another and discover the lie that was so eloquently once told. Or on the opposite side of the scale, they laugh in your face to then turn around and… nope, yep, they… they are still laughing despite us feeling like we did all we could to encourage the opposite emotional response. But, what do they know? They are an inanimate object. She, however, she knew far more than any reflection could tell her. At least that’s what she told herself as she sat on the plush rug in the middle of her room staring into the mirror that enclosed a vast sea of hangers supporting different outfits that each made her feel a particular way. A mirror that stared back at her, echoing her whispered thoughts. “If only… maybe when…as soon as…not good enough.” She subconsciously shifted her position while tucking her hair behind her ears and scrunching her nose. The silent room rang in surprise at the unexpected “hm” that she let out. Her vision went from a taunting reflection to a blank canvas of a ceiling as her back looked for refuge on the floor. Her mind felt overwhelmed with the list of dialog swarming her thoughts, like bees at a beehive, as her eyes fell closed and her hands warmed the top of her stomach. She, like everyone, had things about herself that she wished she could change, but what was wafting over her like mist at that moment were thoughts of “once I change this, then this will be better,” and “as soon as this is enhanced, then I’ll be happy.” Maybe she could control those outcomes, but ultimately, those were deluded thoughts that she had told herself. Thoughts that blurred her positive thinking of herself and others.

Chapter 2

A throat cleared somewhere above her. “You doing good?” A rich, masculine voice added dimension to an emotionally flat room. 

“Mhm.” Eyes remained closed as she nodded her head knowing who the voice belonged to.

“Okay.” He added extra emphasis on the O as she felt his body move from the doorway, hearing her bed object to the weight that her friend added onto it. She looked over at him with one eye as her friend adjusted his position. “So I was at work the other day, and this lady came in and started asking me all these questions then went on this huge rant or something, you would have enjoyed it.” He placed his hands behind his head. “And people say nothing ever happens in a checkout line.” He scoffed, turning his head over to look at her. 

“You think if I chopped my hair I’ll like it better?” She tugged at a strand lying by her face. “Oh, also I found this pair of jeans that I think will help me like my wardrobe a lot better, so I think I’m going to get them!” She lifted her head off the ground and strained her neck to look at him with the invisible questions being a pillow under her lifted head. 

“Didn’t you just get a new pair of jeans?” He looked at her confused.

“Well, I did, but they didn’t have the effect I was going for.” She laid her head back down.

“I see.” Silence lingered. She felt herself drafting the outline for what he was thinking while the faint, tink tink tink, sang in the silence from a fan in another room. “So what was wrong with the other jeans?” She felt the judgment before he released the words. 

“I just want another pair of jeans, okay!” Her statement breathed defense. 

“Woah.” He pushed up onto his forearms. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just as soon as I get myself looking like those ‘it’ girls then I’ll stop my obsessive need to change so much, you know?” She also sat up, only she sat up all the way into crisscross, hands in lap, head looking down at them as if not wanting to make eye contact, enhancing her vulnerability. 

Chapter 3 

She looked over at her friend, his chin had found his hand while his body tipped to the side still residing on his forearm. And after a pause all he said was “hm” and just looked at her. She was now very much looking at him; waiting for more that didn’t seem to be coming. 

“What?” She felt eager to hear his opinion through his incredulous look.

“Well, it’s just… you see.” He took in and let out a deep breath.

“Spit it out my gosh!” Her eyes widened, her head shook, and her hands took possession of the word “what”. 

He breathed deeply again. “Look, we’ve been friends a long time and during all that time I have seen you jump and bend and twist to be happy, be who you wished you were, and say ‘if only’, but you have still never felt satisfied. You weren’t lazy, I’ll give you that, you took action over your desires. But, dude, you need to stop saying ‘if’ or ‘when’. ‘If this happens to me I’ll be…’ or ‘When this happens, I’ll finally be/have…’! That’s not usually how life works.”

She interrupts him. “I know that…” 

Unfazed, he continued. “Stop waiting for life to come to you, stop waiting until things are perfect in all aspects of your life! Because if you continue waiting you're going to miss the amazing things that are happening right now, and I am getting pretty tired of you overlooking those things. We all have things we want to strive for, but your little waiting game is blinding you.” He was fully lying on his side now hands folded in front of his chest while he continued to prop himself up on his elbow.

“Huh.” is all she said as she felt the sting of an imaginary slap across her face or the chill of an ice bucket that drowned her in icy truth.

“Sorry, I just, I want you to see yourself how all of us see you, an amazing, accomplished, beautiful friend.” With that, he chucked a throw pillow at her head. A literal definition of the word “throw pillow”. She looked at him with irritation overlaying adoration and appreciation. She turned to face the mirror and tilted her head. “I’ll work on it.” And smiled into the reflection while it gave her a sincere smile back. 

Chapter 4 

We can often be blinded by our thoughts, and find ourselves continually waiting until things happen or get better, but the reality is we won’t be happy until we stop looking to the future so we can enjoy the here and now. I find myself saying “Once this happens this will get better,” or “As soon as this changes I will be happy.” And the truth is yes - time changes, fixes, heals, and evolves us, but that doesn’t mean that what we have now isn’t worth paying attention to. The longer we wait, the more of life we miss. I don’t know about you, but I am tired of allowing myself to miss things because I am so focused on situations and moments that are beyond my reach. We can blind ourselves easily, it’s opening our eyes that can become tricky. 

I am sure I am not the only one who does this. So if you are like me, take each day as it comes. If you find your mind starting to wander into these waters, remind yourself that you need to first build the foundation before you can enjoy the progress. Hopefully, this was encouraging! And I hope that you had an amazing week! Enjoy your weekend, but don’t forget to subscribe, follow on Instagram, let me know if this is something you relate to, and share The Allie-Way with someone! Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie