Outside Looking In...

Chapter 1 

“Not again.” She groaned, looking down at her now coffee-colored jeans. She looked up from her puddle of a chair; searching the bustling coffee shop for napkins. The scent of roasted coffee engulfed anyone who emerged through the glass doors and saturated those who decided to make a table their new residence for however long they needed to occupy it. It was quaint, the typical neighborhood coffee supplier, with big windows, cozy leather chairs, and pastries that looked like artwork to anyone waiting in line to clutter their supposedly simple order. Soft music played in the background, probably the “Coffee Shop” playlist on Spotify. There were a variety of people sharing her reading space. She looked, and a group of four girls occupied a table by the door. They wore their laughter like an accessory and their smiles like a weapon. They looked at ease with each other…comfortable. A burning feeling began to ignite, taking hold of her heart and stomach, and then started to squeeze. So she inhaled sharply and looked away. It turned out that she didn’t have to look far for the napkins because they also looked like they were eavesdropping on the table right next to them. Great, now she had to walk past them. She didn’t want them to see that she was alone. But… if she walked with enough confidence, then they would think she was cool for soloing it at her table while she worked. Like one of those independent girls who didn’t need anyone's approval. Yeah, she could do that. She stood; her chair went squeaking across the floor as she did. Her red shirt caught the sun's attention, casting a red glow onto her table. As she walked to the napkins, she snuck in front of a woman standing in line. “Excuse me.” She said more confidently than she felt as the coffee imprinted on her leg. 

“Oh, sorry!” The other woman said in a quiet tone as she shuffled out of the way.

“Oh, hunny, you're fine.” She drew out the last word and flipped her wrist with the thought of friend possibilities hiding everywhere.

Chapter 2

She slowly walked to the table, which felt like it was walking in reverse with her steps. The girls giggled at something someone said, and it took everything in her to not look in their direction. On the opposite side, she noticed several tables for two. She had seen them when she had walked in, but now they were full of different couples reading, studying, and talking. There was another group table in the far corner where a gathering of ladies with silver and white hair knitted as they dissected their book of the month. She noticed that only a sprinkle of the tables were solo workers like her. She cleared her throat and rubbed her hands on her legs, which reminded her of the coffee art that dripped down them. She was almost to the napkins, so out of desperation to have something to do with her hands, she tucked her hair behind her ear.  

With napkins in hand, she tried to tune out the girls, who were now beside her, as she blotted at her pants. But, as she began to allow her ears to absorb their conversation, she simply began drinking in their tea as she washed away her coffee. Her mind longed for someone whom she could feel that comfortable with, but regardless of who she surrounded herself with or where she was, nothing erased the word “outsider” that danced across her forehead. As hard as she tried fitting in, pushing herself, manipulating herself, she was never in the circle. Always playing a side character. Her whole life, she wanted to sit at a table like those girls, but maybe it wasn’t meant to be for her. Napkin pressed into her leg, her body rebooted as her thoughts crashed into each other. Just then, her phone lit up on the small table yards away. Forgetting the swarm of girls next to her, she marched back over to her table with purpose. She never got texts. Meaning this was either her mother or her sister. But, to her spontaneous surprise, it was her father. 

Dad: “Hey, kid.”

Daughter: “Hey!” 

Dad: “How’s it going?”

Daughter: “Well, currently sitting in my spilled coffee surrounded by groups of people, reminding me I am sad and lonely. Lol” 

Dad: “Oh wow, no other solo sitters?” 

Her dad, ever the optimist, was always looking for open opportunities for her. 

Daughter: “Hmm not really…” Oh, wait…” “There might be someone…”

Dad: “Go talk to them! Unless they look scary, then safety first.” 

Daughter: “Aye aye captain. And no scary people, it’s a girl.”

Chapter 3

She packed up her things and slowly inched over to the girl she had briefly conversed with in the line earlier. Her mind whirled on how to non creepily approach her. But, alas, the short distance zoomed in on her quickly, and she was about at the table. The girl had already made eye contact, so in order to break the ice, she presented an introductory wave before saying, “hi.”

The girl looked terrified for all of a flicker of a flame, then her features evolved into hopefulness, glazed in discomfort as she looked around to verify the wave was addressing her. As the realization engulfed her, she raised her hand and replied. “Hi?” It came out short and sweet. Almost high-pitched with a breeze of a question. 

She understood her hesitation because, behind her façade, her emergency breaks were signaling for her to notice them. But her mouth said, “Do you mind if I sit?”

A silent moment lingered between them while the girl processed her words, and her own hand squeezed the chair to glue her feet in place. 

“Oh, um, sure, sorry.” The girl at the table began collecting her things as though thinking she was asking for her table out from under her. 

“No, no.” She laughed, a little uncomfortable. “I mean, can I sit with you?” She tucked her hair behind her ears again in a need to do something. 

“Oh!” The shock that ignited her face like a sparkler was palpable. She looked at her, still grasping the chair. The blush that began waltzing up her neck felt warm, emphasizing the color of her shirt. She pushed up her glasses. “Um, or…”

“Oh no, sorry. Yes! Go for it.” The girl pulled her half-full matcha closer, leaving a trail of water floating behind. She sat down and they began talking. An hour passed without a lull in the conversation. For the first time ever, she felt like she clicked with someone instead of feeling like she was watching everything from a window that no one would open for her. They exchanged numbers, and she finally felt like she could have what she thought everyone else had.

Chapter 4 

I don’t think any of us here are strangers to the experience of feeling like an outsider or as though the groups around us need a special code or knock to enter that no one is willing to share. As though maybe you feel included, but still you have to fight with both elbows to stay. As though it is a struggle to be accepted. And standing amidst the observatory, all those around you have what you are searching for. But what you don’t see is that maybe others in the group that you have deemed as perfect are fighting to fit in too. We take it on that we are the problem, that something is wrong or awkward about us, which is why we can’t melt into a friendship. It takes the persistence of putting ourselves out there or the awareness to keep fighting for those people that we feel are struggling to breakthrough. It could take courage to introduce yourself to someone who also sat alone. There is no right age to find a friend. Some people aren’t a right fit, and that is ok. But that doesn't mean that they are all going to be. Sometimes, when there is a season of loneliness or desperation to feel like you belong, it’s the Lord reaching out a hand, wanting you to find comfort in Him and to be reminded that you shouldn’t have to manipulate who you are to find others who will accept you. Because He is quite pleased with who He created you to be. 

I’ve had this post on my mind for a while, and I am not sure why now is the time I decided it should be finished, but I hope that it makes whomever needed to read this feel a little more heard. I hope that you guys have had an amazing week and a great weekend. Don’t forget to follow on Instagram, leave a comment letting me know if you liked it, subscribe, and share this with someone. Thanks for reading, Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie