Surrounded But Alone...

Chapter 1 

She sat in her friend's living room as he discussed his issues that afternoon with her and their other friend. She interjected a few times, but felt as though her words were useless. These two knew her the best. They were her closest friends. But, did they? Did they know her? Did they know that when she talked she felt invisible, or when she was around she felt her presence wasn’t needed. She questioned why when they hung out one-on-one they always felt the need to invite the other which made her feel like she wasn't enough. She could walk into a room full of people, yet feel completely alone. It’s this weird thing where words surround her and encase her in sound, but her need for connection was never fulfilled. There was this numb hope that guided her through. Hope that she’ll be needed, that she’ll be chosen, and that there was at least one person out there that needed her just as much as she needed them. No competition, and when she left she wouldn’t need to be the one who always reached out and put in the effort. To not feel as though everything she wanted to do she had to plan to do it alone. She was tired. And no one seemed to understand. Could she do it alone? Yes, but she didn’t want to have to. She didn’t want to feel like the few friends that she did have needed time without her. People didn’t understand that most days she didn’t have any human physical contact so she would hold her own hand. But even among people she felt the most comfortable with, she felt lonely. And although she lived with her sister, her sister had a booming social life, so she was only there when she needed a few short moments of sleep. She loved her sister, but felt she needed her more than her sister needed her. And that was a hard pill she constantly tried to swallow.

Chapter 2 

She stood in line to pick up her dinner. She wasn’t crazy about cooking, but also felt lazy not cooking, and not picking it up herself, so there she stood. It made her food more of a reward. She etched her way closer to the front of the line. As she waited there, she observed the other customers as though they were animals in a zoo. Yet, she was the one who felt locked in a cage, alone and restless. Her greatest desire was to ask those around her who they thought she was to them, but knew that that was her vanity talking. She saw a family with a young kid in a high chair. “You need to eat your dinner.” The mom leaned over to the kid and squeezed his arm. She then reached over and held her husband's hand. “I am so excited for our trip next week!” The woman looked full…happy…comfortable. A voice yelled in her mind, "Alone!” Her eyes painted over the room coming to a stop on an older couple sitting in a booth. “Do you want to get ice cream after this?” The gentleman said to his wife. And her heart tightened at a love that she could see was chosen over and over through the years. The voice whispered. “Alone.” Her eyes glided over the room yet again as her feet shuffled her forward. A group of young girls congregated together at a table laughing at a phone held out in the center. “We can’t wear that!” One girl giggled out above the rest. “It’s for one day!” The girl holding the phone laughed back.” And the voice spoke up yet again, “alone…alone…alone”. And her heart tightened once more while her head dropped and her eyes blinked back that desire that took the form of tears. 

Chapter 3 

“Next!” A woman called. “Ma’am?” That sound rushed her back to the present, to the eye of her tornado that was encasing her in her thoughts. 

“Sorry!” She shuffled up to the counter and clumsily retrieved her wallet from her bag slung over her shoulder. 

The woman smiled at her. “Long day?” She asked as she passed the bag full of her dinner toward her along with her card that she had already scanned.

She laughed a little under her breath. “A little. Yours?” She smiled back at the woman behind the register as she slipped her little, plastic card, full of so many yet so few possibilities, back into her wallet. 

“Not too bad, could be worse.” The woman laughed a warm and comforting laugh. “Oh, I love your wallet!” She leaned over the counter like she was genuinely interested. 

“Thanks!” She offered a smile of gratitude as she shoved the wallet back into her bag after a quick inspection of said wallet. 

“Have a great night.” The woman said warmly as she passed her receipt. 

“Thanks, you too!” Food in hand, she walked out thinking quietly to herself, “Gosh she was so nice! I should have asked her to be my friend.” But, then the fear of rejection soaked through her thoughts, and the fear of having yet another person who she couldn’t feel comfortable around lied to her. And so, she drove to her apartment…alone, to eat her dinner in front of the TV…alone, because she knew her sister wouldn’t be home for at least a few more hours. She thought about calling her friend to join her, but the past four times she had, either she couldn’t or she would say yes, then call her back saying she forgot she was busy. So, she would sit alone and avoid the emotional rollercoaster. It wasn’t that she thought that people didn’t love her. It was simply that she could be surrounded, but still feel alone. She felt miss understood, looked over, easily left out or forgotten, and quickly replaceable. A lie? Partially. But, also experiences that were played through and roughly gotten over. So, as she drove and played her worship playlist, she prayed because if there was one who didn’t make her feel alone, that would be Jesus. 

Chapter 4

To feel lonely is probably one of the most isolating feelings. It is as it sounds, to be alone, to not have anyone. It is something that everyone can relate to, yet no one knows how to sympathize with. It is something that people write off as over-abundant emotions or lies we tell ourselves to feel sorry for ourselves. But, to feel alone when there are so many people around makes you feel like you are living in an ice cube that you can’t break free from. All you want is for someone, anyone to melt the ice, for it to be their decision. They– choosing you. No strings, no feeling of overstepping, no discomfort, and no pity. Just someone who makes you feel seen, heard, and respected. To quote Google, “Feeling alone is a subjective state of emotional isolation, a feeling of disconnection or lack of meaningful connection with others, even when surrounded by people. It's about the disconnect, isolation, and lack of understanding, even when you may be physically present with others.” Not everyone can just choose to not feel this way, but that doesn’t mean we should hide away and isolate ourselves more. In the season of loneliness, that is the best time to reevaluate our relationship with God. He is the one who will never leave us or forsake us, so why not put our trust, faith, and heavy hearts in Him? He knows our path, all we need to do is give Him our desires. Psalm 37:4-5, “ Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.” Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

The worst is being in a group of people you know, and all you feel is alone. But, even when it feels that way, you are not alone. You may be in a season of loneliness, but you are not alone. The Lord has you. And there is someone out there getting ready to find you and make you feel seen. You got this! Don’t give up, despite how long it seems that you are left wondering if there is something wrong with you. Trust in God’s plan. I hope that you are having a great week and that this weekend is relaxing and exciting! Don’t forget to follow on Instagram, share The Allie-Way with someone, let me know your thoughts on this post, and subscribe to never miss one. Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie