Take A Step Back...

Chapter 1

“I had a plan.” She lay on her bed staring at the ceiling. “And this most certainly was not it.” She flung her comforter off her legs and her body swooped into an upright position. Her elbows met her knees and her hands hid her face while her bed whined with the sudden flood of emotion. Her mind felt like a race car as thoughts zoomed in and out of her brain. Great, it was going to be one of those days. One of those days when defeat tapped her on the shoulder and the question of “who am I?” resurfaced from the depths. This all started a few weeks ago when she was at work feeling lost and bored. The feeling clung to her. She knew that the job she had wasn’t her dream job, but sometimes that was a slow road to achieve. However, what sent her over the edge was scrolling on social media and observing friends she had lost contact with; seeming to be living the lives that they had set out to live. And apparently…that caused her some internal turmoil that she hadn’t known she had suppressed. Why couldn’t she feel satisfied with her life now and who she was instead of always feeling like she was dreaming of a reality that was always out of reach for her and made her question what her life was supposed to look like? She almost felt embarrassed about where she was at. She was mid-twenties, wasn’t that when she was supposed to figure all of this out? She felt conflicted between those who had their lives together, and those who said that their twenties were for figuring life out as if anyone really does. She didn’t know her friends that well anymore or what their lives were actually like, but what she saw was a reminder that she was not where she always thought she would be; questioning who she was and honestly what she wanted to be. 

Chapter 2

She walked into a grocery store checkout line. A guy was working, probably around her age. She had a variety of groceries strutting down the runway at the guy, and with each beep, her mind spun more and more down the rabbit hole she couldn't seem to shake since that morning. It was an escalator of never-ending emotions. “What did you want to do with your life?” She snapped her look up to him, words coming out without forethought, but curious nonetheless. 

“What?” The guy was pulled out of thoughts of monotonous scanning and looked genuinely confused. 

“What did you want to do?” She bounced her shoulders; unfazed by the intrusiveness of her question to this stranger as she held her credit card in her hand.

“Ummm.” He glanced his eyes to the side briefly, a line deep between his eyebrows.

“I’m sorry, I just…” She shook her head and glanced down while she chuckled under her breath. “It’s a question that I have been struggling with. Like everyone expects you to have your life together, yet at the same time always say ‘Oh you're so young, you have so much time to figure it out’!” Her hands went up as her head went side to side. “And you think you have a plan, but one day you wake up and find yourself questioning who you are, you know.” Her face took hold of a “what the heck” scrunch while her chin jutted out and to the side. “It also doesn’t help that when you see all your old friends looking like they have it figured out, which then makes you feel even worse about yourself. But yet, like everyone feels that way, but no one seems to talk about it because heaven forbid we admit that we are confused and struggling. Although… if we simply stop trying to align our own life with everyone else, and stop putting pressure on ourselves that we need to know what we need to be doing…” She trailed off, obviously lost in a deep and long-winded thought. “Gosh, I am so sorry.” She felt the blush warm her cheeks as she avoided eye contact, fidgeting with her card in her hand as her words lay regurgitated out in front of her. 

“Uhh…wow um…okay. You good?” He almost looked scared, but at least he didn’t run away. 

“Ha, yeah sorry.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and looked at the woman standing behind her in a fancy pair of heels looking like a boss woman. She smiled a nervous yet sympathetic smile at her as the beeping continued. 

“Ok…” The cashier drew out the word. “That’ll be $34.67.” He moved her bags closer to her, probably hoping it would help her leave quicker. 

“Thanks.” With that, she gathered her things and swiftly removed herself from the store with a sigh.

Chapter 3

“Excuse me!” She heard a woman's voice shatter the glass that was containing her rewound copy of her past conversation, but didn’t expect it to be directed to her, so carried on. “Excuse me, miss!” The same feminine voice echoed through the soundtrack of a busy parking lot. With confusion, her head moved toward the noise while her body continued its walk of shame. Behind her, looking like she was born in the step stools that ordained her feet was the woman who waited patiently behind her in line. 

“Hi.” Her legs brought her to a stop before her body, who had also stopped and turned to face her. 

“Oh, Hi.” Her eyes took a wandering sprint to the side and returned back to the woman before her, eyebrows lightly pinched above them. 

“Listen, I overheard your conversation at the checkout counter and…”

“Oh, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to go off like that I just…”

“No, no, it’s alright! Look, I get it. That is a hard question that I struggled a lot with when I was your age. In fact, I worked as a nanny for so long that I thought that was going to be it for me, but I wanted so much more.” She laughed. “I thought I knew what I wanted to do all growing up, then I went to college and was met with that vast list of opportunities. I jumped between three different majors and now I have my own company, and I don't even use the degree I settled on. Ironic. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is easy to set an expectation for your life because you are faced with people's opinions and expectations, and on top of that, social media clouds our ability to see others' internal struggles or it simply emphasizes others success, and causes us to feel resentment and embarrassment for ourselves instead of joy that they were able to bypass this level and move on to the next, in whatever area they were striving for. But, those…those people are rare. You and your feelings are not the minority. Sure it is important to have a passion and strive for it, but also the clock doesn’t stop ticking when you leave your twenties. You're not Cinderella on the way home from the ball. You have time to try things, and if you don’t know what to try…do the boring job and prioritize your passions until you feel yourself being pulled, and then jump on that train. You don’t need to start a business or become a millionaire by the time you're 35. That is the world's expectation. Take a step back, and recognize you’re having your mid-twenties crisis. Cry for a second, then jump back in and stop trying to complete every level now and live one day at a time. You're doing alright babe, honestly!” She extended a motherly hug with her smile. “You’re not behind! And sorry for the speech.” She laughed. “I just felt the need to share that with you!” 

Her eyes were a bit puffy and her nose was a little red and tingled, but she laughed with her. Grateful that this stranger, who looked like she had her life together from the time she was a child, took the time to talk and relate to her, talking her down from her spiral. “Thank you!”

Chapter 4

So often, we struggle with these questions of “Who am I?” or “What is my calling?”. My dad always jokes that he still doesn’t know what he wants to do, and he has tried many different things, and started many different companies. We now live in a fast culture world where we have everyone's lives at our fingertips, and judge or base our lives accordingly. I grew up thinking I knew what I wanted to do, and now I find myself well…not knowing. I search job websites hoping that something will inspire me, but three years into my job I still say, “hm, maybe this?”. And that is ok. I still have plenty of time to figure it out. Or the question pops up where we wonder who we are. And that…that is a question that I can’t help with other than saying prayer and trusting that the Lord has a plan for you, Jeremiah 29:11.

These questions have been swirling around in my atmosphere for a while, and I think that this is a far more relatable topic than we fully realize. I hope this translates well and that it helps you if you are someone who has or is struggling with these thoughts. Enjoy your weekend, and I hope that you had an amazing week. Don’t forget to follow on Instagram, subscribe to be the first to read new blog posts, share The Allie-Way with someone, and leave a comment. Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie