Tear Dust...

Chapter 1

The sound of echoing heels reverberated off the marble floor in the lobby of her office where she sat. Bustling people evaporated while others rematerialized causing the lobby to look like breathing lungs if looked down upon from above. She watched from her position in the back, observing as though the people were in a play carrying out their lines. She held her stomach in her discomfort. The tears were threatening, but she refused to let them run wild. She was stronger than that. One did escape which created a puddle of tear dust to scatter onto the floor. But, that was the only one she would let run free. Her emotions were a lot at times, and ever since she was a kid she would stop mid-cry and wonder if crying was even necessary. Were her feelings deserving of grand tears that avalanched down her face? Was her reason for tears her being dramatic or her body telling her to release the tension she felt? She did that for so long that now when her eyes threatened to cry, she would hold them in. Forcing her arm against her abdomen as another way of feeling the emotions without letting anyone know that she was upset. Because it wasn’t that big of a deal. And she was being dramatic. Those tears did not deserve to make an appearance, not then and not now. But, she felt herself withering. And in a lobby no less. 

Chapter 2

She squeezed her eyes shut quickly, removed her arms and shook her hands out. “Gosh, pull yourself together.” She whispered under her breath. Her head whipped and her eyes looked around to make sure no one was paying attention to her. Clearing her throat she stood up and smoothed out her pants. 

“Hey.” She didn’t even notice that someone had been approaching her from the side, 

“Gosh!” Her hand clutched her chest. 

“Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you, geez!” A light chuckle became the focus in an otherwise noise cluttered room. It was her co-worker and one of her closest friends both in the office and out. Think of her as one of the friends that Andie Anderson had in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”.

“What are you a stalker?” With a light push, she shoved her friend by the shoulder trying to look composed, but knowing it was no use.  

“Girl, what’s going on?” The friend sobered her smile replacing it with affection topped with concern. Like a little amuse-bouche. 

“I’m fine.” She felt annoyed as the lie came out like a thin slice of Swiss cheese. She didn’t even convince herself. But, she painted the “why are you asking?” mask on thick. 

“Really? You're going to stick with the universal ‘I’m fine’?” Her friend's eyebrows elevated. Her stomach clenched in the anxiety of breaking, but her expression held onto its act. “Listen you don’t have to talk to me… but you ran out of the office far too quickly after that meeting you had.” Her friend embodied a perfectly mushed pillow, soft and comfortable. Why was she not able to let her guard down with even her? Why did this stubborn façade slap her at the thought of letting her eyes rain? “Ugh.” Lifting her head she looked up and blinked at a rapid pace. Once the dam was secured, she scanned the lobby looking for a hidden hallway away from the thinned-out crowd. Her feet carried her before her mind could explain her departure to her friend. Her heels created a hollow expression as the background noise faded to a humming murmur. As soon as she was hidden, she leaned against the wall and sang a song of relief through a deep, shaky breath. 

Chapter 3 

“Pull. It. Together.” She embedded her thumbnail into her pointer finger. 

“Ok, you know me and I know you, don’t just tell me you're fine.” The words were stern if not a little breathy from frantically trying to follow her to the hallway. But, there was a friendliness that hugged onto the words, warming them. 

“I just… I don’t want to.” A crack split her words. 

“It’s ok to cry you know…” Pain and earnestness tipped a side of her friend's head. 

Glass eyes looked into her friends. She didn’t like to cry, but crying in front of someone was… a nightmare. 

“It’s not being weak. To cry. To feel. That…that’s strength. And you should allow yourself to experience deep emotions. Because you deserve to feel. You're not ‘being dramatic’, you're being human.” Her friend squeezed her hand. That was the rock that broke the floodgate. One, then another, then they all fell. She let herself cry, just cry. Not long, not loud, but she allowed herself to feel sad. And her friend hugged her through it. For years crying was for everyone else. But, the relief that came over her helped that tingle she always felt laying low behind her nose to finally be let free. Drops cascaded down to the floor. Her friend scooped her into a soft, gentle, but tighter hug. Her discomfort in her tears relaxed in the arms of her friend.

“It’s not that big of a deal.” Her whispered voice was like a child wearing their parent's clothing trying to act tough.

“It might not be a monumental situation, but that doesn’t make it invalid.” Her friend didn't move, simply stayed wrapped around her. Another tender wave arose and like that first tear that slipped to the floor shattering into crystals, her last raced to catch up with the already fallen. Scattering the tear dust a little more. 

“Glad I wore waterproof mascara.” She pulled away slightly. They looked at each other and allowed the laughter to soak up the remaining humidity as the tear stains coated her cheeks.

Chapter 4

How many times do you hold in the tears that threaten to fall? We tell ourselves to simply “get over it”? But, it is ok to cry. Healthy even. Occasionally, our bodies hit a limit where holding it and being “strong” is harder than allowing ourselves to feel. Some people are taught or feel that showing emotion is a sign of weakness. But, the strength that comes with pain and sadness and allowing ourselves to feel is something far greater. Do people show different emotions differently? Absolutely. But, to hold it all inside all the time, you become a ticking time bomb. One can only hold it together for so long before they break. Psalms 56:8, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Whether we cry alone, only in the presence of someone close, or with whoever may be around, God never leaves our side. He comforts us. Psalm 34:18 states, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." On top of that, crying makes you feel so much lighter. Like people say, sometimes you just need a good cry. 

I was talking with someone and this topic repetitively came up. They kept saying that they felt like they just needed to cry and they weren’t sure why. So, I suggested they let themself. Which led them to suggest I write about it, because how often do we hold it in? There could be a laundry list of reasons why different people won’t, but the amount of times that I felt so down and broken, hitting my tipping point, letting the tears cascade down my cheeks brought me the reset I didn’t know I needed. Do I still hold in my tears? Yes. Am I working on it? All the time. Find a friend, a family member, a therapist, a comfort pillow, or hold your pet. But cry. Hope that you have had a great week, praying that your weekend is full of sunshine even if it doesn’t come from the sky. Don’t forget to follow on Instagram, leave a comment letting me know if you like these posts, subscribe, and don’t forget to share The Allie-Way! It means a lot! Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie