The Same Page...

Chapter 1

The night was colder than most. The wind brushed her hair off her shoulders, causing it to drape down her back as a shiver rushed through her. She was walking back to her apartment that she and her sister shared. It was late…frankly later than she had meant to stay out, but she’d make up for her lost time by skipping her late night doom scroll. She ascended her building's staircase as each step sang a song of resentment while they each fulfilled their purposes of helping her reach her landing to her apartment. She felt liberated from a night well spent, yet somehow some part of her held an uncomfortableness that she couldn’t contain. It was like a mold that slowly grew behind the surface of her emotions. Often seen but continually pushed aside. Like homework or getting your oil changed. It was a feeling that haunted her in every conversation, and it echoed after every action. Anytime the world's volume was turned to a hush, she was unable to push the feeling away. It was a feeling of embarrassment that rooted itself deep into her cognitive thoughts. An emotion tangled into everything. Bouncing off others and ricocheting off of herself. It was felt by all, but a topic that always seemed to be played off in some mask or another. The apartment door swung open. The room was still… asleep. But, quickly turned to life with the flick of a table lamp that whisked the darkness into corners and closets as if it were dust bunnies. 

Chapter 2 

The lights shot blades into her room the next morning. Her eyes flickered open as an annoying 

‘beep’ swarmed around her. 

“Can you turn that off!” Her door swung open with force as her sister's bed head appeared through the doorway.

“Gosh…do you mind?” She pulled her pillow out from under her and shoved it over her face. 

“Turn it off.” She felt her sister's body bear-crawling over her, headed toward the phone sitting on the nightstand; informing the whole apartment that she was supposed to be awake. 

“Do you…” She shoved her sister, which was then followed by a loud thud. “Oh my gosh, are you ok?” She popped her head over the side of the bed.

“Dude, just turn it off.” Her sister picked herself off the floor and reached over to disarm the alarm. 

“Thanks.” She sat in her bed, staring at her wall. 

Her sister sat on the end of the bed. “So how was last night?” She asked tentatively, hair even messier than before. 

“Oh, it was…um, it was. Well, frankly, it was a good time until I decided to start talking.” The duvet cover began to twist under the fidgeting of her fingers, slyly revealing the nerves that were eating at her. 

“What does that mean? Everyone loves it when you talk.” Her sister was taken aback. 

“Everything I say comes out either wrong or I overshare.” She said matter-of-factly. 

“True, but people enjoy that, it’s what makes you you.” Her sister launched a decorative pillow at her head, making impact. “Wait, don’t tell me that my social butterfly of a sister is secretly embarrassed of herself?” Shock overtook her sister's face. 

“Oh, don’t look so surprised.” She replaced her hair before slapping her sister's side with the pillow she had just gained.

“I just didn’t know you felt this way.” Her sister looked flabbergasted. 

“Come on, don’t tell me that you have never been in a conversation and felt second-hand embarrassment… or or thought about a conversation you had months ago and wanted to shove your head through a wall. Or have done something and immediately wanted to walk out of the room and evaporate from existence?” Her head tipped forward and shook a little with her eyebrows raised.

“Well, of course I have, just didn’t know you felt that way too.” Her sister laid down on the bed next to her leg. 

Chapter 3 

She scooched down so she could lay down next to her. “I’m human too, you know.” She dropped her head sideways to look at her sister. 

“I know that, you just never talk about your problems, so it’s hard for me to see them.” Her sister rolled her head over to look back at her.

“Hm.” was all that found the freedom to escape. 

"Want to know how I talk myself down when I feel that way?” Her sister looked hesitant. 

“Sure.” She genuinely did want to know. 

“I heard a quote once by Madison Daniels, ‘It’s only embarrassing if you are embarrassed.’ And it kinda altered what I think after I do something I feel a little uneasy about.” Her sister shrugged and looked back up at the ceiling. But, she had no words… She laid there processing. She talked with her sister, but it was hard for her to open up to her. But what she had just said made far too much sense to her. 

“Embarrassment is a choice, I guess is what I am trying to get at. Everyone does things or says things they wish that they hadn’t, but either embrace it or waste away behind it, letting it dictate the rest of the conversation until one day you are hiding in the back, afraid of making yourself look bad so much that you begin to feel isolated.” Heat rose to her cheeks as passion flared behind her eyes. “Sorry, let that get away from me.” Her sister chuckled, but it felt weak.

“Don’t apologize.” She wrapped an arm around her sister and squeezed. “Ever think about becoming a motivational speaker?” 

“Ha. Ha. But also, yes.” Her sister melted under the weight of her touch. “We are all on the same page here. We all feel embarrassed at one time or another, whether we say we do or not. It’s just those who choose not to feel that way, that care less.” 

“Oh, that’s good.” She squeezed a little harder, then they both erupted into laughter that was driven out of nowhere. While the sun cast a warm morning glow onto the cloud that they occupied, coated in pillows.

Chapter 4 

Let’s be real, we feel embarrassed far more often than we admit too. And it is during times of silence that they crawl out of the cracks that we’ve dropped them in and remind us of their company. I feel like second-hand embarrassment is the worst, however, because we are embarrassed on behalf of someone who either doesn’t seem to care or is simply being themselves. We allow our vanity to creep in and our judgmental self to take over. Frankly, I wish that I were someone who didn’t care so much. Someone who felt free in times I normally wouldn’t. But isn't it just a choice? We can choose to feel the way we want to. Far easier said than done, but after I heard that quote that her sister tells her, it encouraged me that that choice could be easier than what I make it out to be. We all do embarrassing things, but it’s those who let it slide off and walk confidently through it that are left with confidence trailing behind them. 

We often forget that confident people become embarrassed also, because they don’t let it trip them. They decided that they weren’t going to feel that way, and dropped it without a second look. We all do things that we all dub embarrassing, but if we all do it, why should we be embarrassed? I hope that this week has been a great one, and that you enjoy your weekend. Don’t forget to subscribe, follow on Instagram, share The Allie-Way, and leave a comment letting me know what you thought of this post! Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie