To A Younger Me...

Chapter 1 

She walked in, ordered, and sat down at a table for two expecting to enjoy her coffee alone. She waited a few minutes before the barista called her name. As she began to stand up, the barista called her name again, setting down a second drink. She approached the counter, "Which of these is the oat milk latte?”

“This is the latte and this is your other drink, a small hot chocolate... the croissant will be right up.” The barista gestured to the drinks and then turned to make another. Confused, she collected her coffee and returned to her table. She ventured a glance back at the counter only to find the hot chocolate not there. Her gaze swung back to the table. “Uuh!” She sucked in a large breath. A little girl about ten sat across from her sipping her small drink and munching on a warm treat. She looked familiar and as though she held so much behind her eyes. Those eyes looked up into hers and she felt herself exhale back into her chair as realization infiltrated her mind. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to catch up…” She adjusted her position in her chair as she took a big sip of her cup. “You still look like me, but older! You're pretty!” The young girl tilted her head and smiled at her. The woman smiled back at the face that would always wonder what she would look like. She found herself a little envious of the girl eating, and was reminded of the sad way that young girl would feel if she knew how she would grow to judge herself. 

“What’s it like getting to be an adult?” The girl leaned forward in her chair. Young face earnest. And she remembered the days when she would dream of what her life would be like. 

“Well, it’s expensive.” She said into her cup as she sipped some of her coffee. But then memories flashed past her in a wave that crashed quickly. The imagination that would take hold of her as she pretended her bedroom was her own apartment, daydreaming of her college life, and the career that she would succeed in. The thoughts of the family she might even have. And as she resurfaced, she focused her attention on the little girl before her. “Fare more different than what we thought it was going to be, but it is full of so much. So much laughter, growth, understanding, accepting, learning, and appreciation for the moments of here and now.”

“Am I still angry at myself for everything?”  The girl's shoulders dropped as her head sank low with the weight of sadness for the emotions she felt she had no control over. Warmth flooded her as she felt compassion for this little girl. “No.” Her lips tilted into a smile as she realized how far she had come. The young girl lifted her head as relief committed mutiny over her previous expression. Her innocent smile lit up her face as a crash echoed from somewhere in the room. It pulled the woman's attention from the young girl who sat before her. 

Chapter 2 

She looked back toward the table and at the little girl, only, she wasn’t the same little girl. The girl that now sat before her looked the same, however, seemed to have acquired a few years. This girl was roughly around the age of 16 with more mature features and a few years of life that grew her. “You’ve changed!” She was startled by the sight of this older girl sitting before her. 

“So have you.” Her gentle sass endearingly wafted over the table. The woman grabbed her coffee as she leaned back in her seat after the bizarre change of events. “How is life?” She asked the girl.

“Good days and bad days.” She shrugged. “School is the worst, and I can’t seem to shake these emotions of anger and sadness.” She looked down at her empty plate full of crumbs while her hands squeezed the hot chocolate. 

“It gets better, you know.” The woman tilted her head down and to the side to make eye contact with the face of someone she understood, and had scars over the same wounds. “School…school is only hard because you are trying to compare your learning to others, and you believe the lie that says that you're not smart. Sometimes it’s not for everyone, and that is ok! And the anger… that comes with understanding when to take a moment and breathe. It’s learning to step outside the situation and observe from a different perspective. It’s learning to love yourself and forgive others. And that sadness, that is depression, and it might feel like the tunnel never ends, but let me speak firsthand that yes, the tunnel feels long, but there is an end, and it feels so freeing and anoints you with a compassion for others. It’s a bumpy road, and there will be days that you feel like giving up, but we are not quitters! Because if we were, we wouldn’t get to see the beautiful life that we have before us. One full of family that is our best friends, friends that showed up unexpectedly, new locations, hugs from tiny little humans that your siblings produced that make your whole day, how the sun shines in just right - illuminating the room in gold, and how the snow glitters in the wind while it floats from one tree to the next. Growing is learning that life doesn’t need to turn out the way you planned it. That it can lag, veer right or left, and hold a different shape than what it was ‘supposed’ to. We still love to dance, but now we love to write, and paint, and see a different path. Planning is good, but our life is full of so many unexpected corners that it’s important to remember that who you are, and who you are trying to be right now is supposed to change. You have so many exciting things and hard things ahead of you, but be proud of who you are. Don’t let yourself become caught up in what the world thinks about you, because frankly…you're doing more than fine!” She watched the girl across from her as she felt the pent-up emotions leave through an exhale. 

“Thank you.” The girl tilted her head in the same direction her head was tilted. And when she blinked away a tear and looked back at the girl, the only thing before her was a mirror hanging on the wall across from her. 

Chapter 3

We often forget to see how far we have come, and wish that we could sit with our younger selves and say to them that they will be alright. It is important to celebrate the moments that we can deem normal or part of our daily lives so we can see how far we have come. When we are younger we see things through a different perspective, one lacking in knowledge. The knowledge that we now see no matter how far in the future we are. Sometimes it’s remembering how we used to not take everything so seriously, how we didn’t care as much, or how free we felt. And sometimes it’s seeing how our stress back then was futile, that those moments we expressed as life-altering were much simpler than we made them out to be, and a situation or feeling that we thought was going to last forever now has scars and we are better for it. Some choices that we make are foolish and can throw off the direction we intended for our future selves, but ultimately we need to be thankful for our younger selves and grateful for how far we have come. 

If you were to sit down with your younger self, what would you say? People commonly ask that question, but I don’t think we ever take the time to ponder the answer. I know that I have grown exponentially from when I was younger. There were things about myself that I worked so hard to change, and there are things about myself I wish I was still like, but I am so proud of the girl I see in the mirror, and am so excited for my future self to get to tell me of all the things that she has learned in the future. I hope this was encouraging, and that maybe you can either give yourself grace or just look around where you're at now and see how far you have come, and be grateful for all that you have accomplished and learned. Hope this makes your weekend that much better and that you had an amazing week. Don’t forget to follow on Instagram, let me know if you liked this post in the comments and what you would like to read more of, share this with someone, and subscribe! Thanks for reading Allie-Cats!

• Dru Allie